Let's get horizontal

A better model for relationships

Dear L&A

More than once, your mom has asked me what it’s like to be perfect, to know everything. What she’s really saying — stop treating me as inferior.

Think about a few of your relationships. For some of them, you’ll have an innate sense or belief of whether you are ‘superior’ to that person, or not. Either way, you’re in what’s called a vertical relationship.

Vertical relationships are characterised by a power imbalance. This could be based on authority, knowledge, status, or any other perceived advantage.

Such relationships tend to be strained by ongoing, covert battles for who’s in charge, who’s right, who matters more. That tension creates a floor for the depth of our relationships.

How did we get here?

Our early childhood experiences shape our understanding of how relationships work, how we think about ourselves in relation to other people.

For example, if mom and I were to shelter you from responsibility (spoiler: your chores ain’t going nowhere), you’d naturally develop a sense that:

• you are dependent on us

• you lack agency and autonomy

• you are not capable or competent

Such beliefs then make it easy for you to see yourself as ‘below’ or ‘above’ other people — you come to expect that relationships will be vertical.

Such social stratification has it’s uses. For one thing, it gives us a way to value ourselves. If I have a feel for Jimmy’s social capital, and I feel superior to Jimmy, then I can give myself a ballpark valuation. For another, if I feel inferior to Jessica, I can come up with a host of reasons as to why I can’t be as successful as her.

But despite our familiarity with them, being in vertical relationships makes it hard, if not impossible, to build the deep connections that are ultimately the difference between living an average life, and a great one.

Going horizontal

Horizontal relationships are obviously the opposite of the relationship schematic I’ve been walking around with, but I love me a definition:

Horizontal relationships are characterised by equality, mutual respect, and balanced power dynamics between individuals. Their core benefit is the enabling of authentic self-expression and personal growth.

At the heart of horizontal relationships is the recognition that differences in authority, knowledge, wealth or status don't equate to differences in fundamental human value.

Most of us buy into that idea. But looking into the eyes of a homeless person and believing that you are not more valuable than them is something else. But if we want our relationships to be horizontal, then all of them must be — switching between the two lenses is just too complicated.

What I find really interesting is that as I try to see those I once considered 'beneath' me as equals, I find myself feeling less inferior to those I previously placed 'above' me. Sorcery, I tell you.

How to build horizontal relationships

The key here is see other people as your equals, whether they are old friends or someone you’re meeting for the first time. The following will help with that:

1. Look for what you have in common with others, not what sets you apart.

2. Remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses (you too, sunshine)

3. Be curious about others' perspectives.

4. Treat others how you'd want to be treated, regardless of their age or status.

5. Listen to people and show genuine interest in what they say.

6. Offer help when you can, and ask when you need it.

7. Celebrate others' successes as much as your own.

So much of our emotional distress comes from feeling inferior or struggling for superiority. If you can start seeing yourself as equal, the stronger and deeper your relationships will be. Which is, of course, life’s Holy Grail.

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Dear parents

Schools, universities and workplaces reinforce the construct of vertical relationships. Hold your breath on that changing and you’ll die.

But at home, we can teach our kids to see relationships as horizontal and, in the process, steel them against future feelings of inferiority.

Giving them the opportunity to contribute is the most practical way to do that. It gives us parents the opportunity to express gratitude (thank you) which makes our kids feel equal and capable and trustworthy, an antidote for feeling inferior that will allow them to connect more deeply with people, for the rest of their lives.

Some of the things we let / ask our kids to do, with varying levels of success:

• Feed the dogs

• Cooking and clearing plates

• Unpacking the dishwasher (packing it? are you mad?)

• Help planning our holidays

• Make school lunches on Sundays

• Letting them choose their clothes

• Starting fires (yes, playing with fire)

• Ordering takeaways

• Running into the shop to buy something

• Volunteer work

While it takes more intentionality, we believe gratitude builds stronger character than praise. The latter tells them their value depends on their performance. Here is Alfred Adler (paraphrased) on the matter:

Favour gratitude over praise when raising children. It encourages cooperation, intrinsic motivation, balanced self-esteem, empathy, a growth mindset, reciprocity, and overall well-being, while reducing entitlement and the insatiable need for external validation seeded by praise.

Just a little reminder: What our children see us do will have far more influence in terms of who they become compared to what they hear us say. Guilty as charged.

So, if we want our kids to develop horizontal relationships, we have to build those relationships for ourselves. If we want them to contribute, we must contribute.